SWATC: A Blow Job Is Just A Job
In this new series Sex (Workers) In The City (SWATC), we're reimagining the idea of Carrie Bradshaw's infamous "sex positive" column from the 90's, and taking more of a Samantha Jones approach. This column will be a safe space for sex workers of all different professions in the industry, as well as varying personal experiences, to share their sex, dating and even client stories so maybe we can all laugh, cry and even get pissed off, together. We'd like to think Samantha would approve. Note: This column was not intended to be in sync with the news of the SATC reboot. If there's no Kim Cattrall, we don't want it!
This weeks piece is by Violet, an escort from New Zealand.
For civilians, it might be hard to grasp the concept that a blow job is just a job. But when you’re a FSSW, it is. Modern dating carries so many challenges, especially when your job is enough to make some people want to run for the hills. For myself, I have limited experience in dating. When I first started working I didn’t date. Mostly because I wasn’t interested but also because I now had a new conversation to bring up, one that I didn’t want to deal with. I’m not an ‘out’ worker, there are a handful of people in my life who know the down low on my job, people I love and trust to know me as Violet the escort. This isn’t a step-by-step approach on how to successfully date as a worker, but a brief memoir of my experiences and what I’ve learned so far in the hope that it brings comfort to other workers out there in a similar boat.
K
The first experience I had while dating was interesting. This was someone I’d met on Tinder and became attracted and drawn to very quickly. We spent about a week or so talking before I met her, I didn’t spend this time asking questions about her stance on sex work or potentially dating someone who was a worker.
I didn’t know where our situation was going to lead. Was it going to be a talking phase that fizzles out, a one-off thing, or a genuine relationship? I thought until I could rule out the first two that I wasn’t going to say anything. I’m not an ‘out’ worker so to me the idea of telling someone I’d known for less than a week a deeply private part of my life, was not something I was down for.
I eventually told her a couple of days after we’d spent the night together and I felt more comfortable divulging this to her. I told her I was re-reading one of my favourite books, Rita Therese’ ‘Come, a memoir’, and told her what it was about. This prompted a few questions from her like, would you be a sex worker, if so what work would you do? Then I dove right in, in hindsight this would’ve been a very blinding conversation for her. I told her what I do, what my job entails, and why I hadn't told her yet. I didn’t know what I was expecting in reply but it definitely didn’t fall into the understanding, or supportive response I was hoping for.
She made her feelings clear, that she felt she had been lied to, and asked if I had worked the night we met and if I did it would’ve made her feel gross. But also that she didn’t expect me to stop working because what I do shouldn’t be influenced by her.
Honestly this took me out, it really hit me. At that point I didn’t understand how someone I’d grown close to could have such an aversion to what, for me, is just a job. I explained why I waited to tell her, the details of my job she wanted to know and how, you know, it’s only a job. I’d grown comfortable with who I am and what I do, but it took a lot of work and fine-tuning for me to put away that internalised shame I put on myself. She told me she could look past my job because she wanted to see where this goes, even though I didn’t 100% believe her I wanted to try anyway.
That soon turned into me mentioning my job and getting comments like “Wow thank you for thinking about that while you’re with me” and “I don’t want to have sex and kiss you the same day you’ve worked.” I realised fast that while I thought these comments came from a disdain of my job, they’re more of a representation of her fear. I would get asked if any of my clients were attractive, if any of them made me cum, if I liked any of them. I would spend my time reassuring and trying to explain that it was just a job, because it is. But yes some clients are attractive, yes some are going to make me cum, and yes I do think some of my clients are nice people. But none of those things make me less loyal, caring, or less who I am, because it’s just my job.
I used to wish I had been honest and told her sooner that way it would've worked out, but I know that wouldn’t have been true. If you have to spend your time tip-toeing around your partner about your job, feeling like you have to make things up to them, and that you owe them more of your energy, that isn’t a partner that deserves you.
C
I met this man completely out of the blue, we’d known each other for a few years but never really spoken or gotten to know each other when he asked me out. At first I thought, "Fuck, I don’t want to have to do that all again," but I also thought "Fuck it, this could be epic."
I’d had conversations about sex work with him to try and gauge his take on it, and what his personal stance was. This mostly involved stripping and online work, not full service work, but for the most part I’d decided I might not actually have anything to worry about with him.
After getting to know him better I thought I’d do things differently than last time, and I wanted to tell him sooner. In the wise words of my friend “if it’s something that could potentially ruin things, ruin it sooner.” So I did, without it being ruined. It was around our 3rd date I turned to him and said listen, I need to be honest about my job and I understand if you don’t want to see me anymore because of that but tell me now. After giving him the title and info on my job, I was met with a “That’s awesome! Go you” immediately followed by a fist bump.
This story is significantly shorter than the last. Because I don’t feel guilty about working, I don’t feel like I have to make things up to him, or to never talk about my job. Because relationships are supposed to make you feel supported, trusted and safe. If you want a partner, those are the basic needs we all deserve, our jobs make up such a small percent of who we are in the grand scheme of things.
Frankly, sexual jealousy and other people's insecurities aren't your responsibility to change. You’ll come across a multitude of different types of people you’ll meet while exploring dating as a worker.
If you’ve met someone who makes you feel guilty about your job, like you have something to make up for in the relationship, is it a relationship worth being in? What’s important is knowing your job doesn’t make up the entirety of who you are, there are so many more wonderful things that create who you are. If someone can’t look past your job, that’s not on you.
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